College football Bottom 10 — Penn State, Illinois worse than we bargained for

[Editor’s note: The nation’s last two winless teams stayed winless while a pair of Big Ten teams played themselves into the Coveted Fifth Spot, though it took nine overtimes to get there.]

Inspirational thought of the week:

So close, yet so far from paradise
I hold, you in my arms, in paradise
Is mine, then you slip away
Like a child at play, and here am I
So close, yet so far from paradise

When you, are close to me, it’s paradise
We kiss, oh my love, paradise
Is mine, then suddenly you’re gone from me
Like a floating star, I see, and here am I
So close, yet so far from paradise

— “So Close, Yet So Far,” Elvis Presley

Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located somewhere in the middle of that giant white cloud left behind by David Pollack’s perpetual tornado of protein powder, we deal in the business of heartbreak. Like, that time you finally built up the courage to ask the homecoming queen to prom, and for a split second she smiled as if she was going to say yes … but then you realized that was her pre-hysterical laughter smile. OK, that might just be me and I might just be bitter, but you get the analogy.

A week ago, we were all staring at the Week 8 schedule and wondering aloud where the drama was going to come from and if there was going to be any drama coming at all. Then the noon Big Ten games got weirder than Kanye West’s name-change application. Then Kansas led Oklahoma. Then UNLV and Arizona, the nation’s last two winless teams, led in the second half of their games.

Then I went and got my high school yearbook to see if I could track down that homecoming queen and let her know that she blew it because she could be married to the guy who writes the Bottom 10 now. Then my wife saw what I was doing. Then my pillow and pajamas were suddenly on the couch in the basement. But then I realized that meant I could stay up and watch the New Mexico State-Hawaii game at 2 a.m. ET with the volume turned all the way up.

With apologies to Kim Hudgins, Timmy Chang, my wife and…