It’s time for our silliest preseason tradition: The 11th (how???) annual League Pass Rankings, a watchability scale to help you avoid wasting time on things like, “Wait, has this team actually ordered its players to tie their shoes together as part of its Lose-A-Rama for Victor Wembanyama campaign?”
These are not power rankings! They are derived from a formula Bill Simmons found scrawled on parchment paper inside a glass bottle that washed up on the shores of Malibu.
Teams are scored 1-10 in five categories:
ZEITGEIST: When you talk about this team at parties, do people slink away?
HIGHLIGHT POTENTIAL: Do you linger on games in case a superstar does something amazing?
STYLE: Where are they on the continuum from “Golden State Warriors beautiful game” to “Julius Randle just took four jab steps and launched an 18-footer”?
LEAGUE PASS MINUTIA: All the little things that mean too much to damaged die-hards: announcers, court designs, uniforms.
UNINTENTIONAL COMEDY: Google the Washington Wizards of the early 2010s.
30. UTAH JAZZ (17.5)
The Jazz aren’t really a basketball team after detonating the Donovan Mitchell-Rudy Gobert-Quin Snyder-Making-Amazing-Faces era. They are an airport waiting area for players, only those players have to play together a bit because the NBA mandates the Jazz field a team instead of working together “Ocean’s Eleven”-style to rig the lottery.
They are the NBA Spider-Man Pointing meme of shoot-first combo guards: Jordan Clarkson, Collin Sexton, Talen Horton-Tucker, Nickeil Alexander-Walker. Lauri Markkanen and Malik Beasley aren’t exactly prime John Stockton, either. Poor Mike Conley can bring the ball up, pass it once and head into the stands for a drink. (I am excited to watch Sexton again. He averaged 24 points on 47.5% shooting two seasons ago, and purists dismissed it because the Cleveland Cavaliers stunk and Sexton’s a blah passer. Putting up those numbers is not easy. Sexton plays with classic little guy bravado, flinging himself inside for…
Source : espn
