Who will leave with all the belts?

As a service to fans who have a general interest in WWE but might not have watched a match since the Royal Rumble, or Survivor Series or even SummerSlam, we’re happy to provide this FAQ as a guide to WrestleMania 38, two nights (April 2 and 3, 8 p.m. on Peacock) at the House that Jerry Jones Built.

So what’s the most highly anticipated thing at WrestleM —

[LOUD CRASH OF BREAKING GLASS]

Bah Gawd, is that “Stone Cold” Steve Austin’s music?

Is he finally returning to the ring and wrestling another match at WrestleMania 38?

So … um … well, he is returning to the ring. That, we can confirm.

Kevin Owens had been running down the state of Texas for weeks, and he also didn’t have a match scheduled for ‘Mania. So he decided to issue a challenge to Austin to appear on the most “stupendous” edition of his talk show, “The KO Show.”

Quick aside here, this WrestleMania’s tagline is indeed “stupendous.” Let that sink in.

In the process, he proposed that Austin was likely a shell of his former self in retirement. That was enough to compel Austin to issue a response — in camouflage, standing next to his truck — saying, “If you want to call this a ‘KO Show,’ a match, a fight, a brawl, whatever” he was going to “open one last can of whoop-ass” on Owens.

So if this ends up a match or a fight or a “whatever,” Owens has earned his comeuppance. On a recent RAW, Owens popped the crowd by coming to the ring with Austin’s music and dressed like “Stone Cold,” and then fooled them a second time by playing Austin’s glass-crashing theme during what felt like the time for a run-in. Just classic heel stuff. You love to see it.

OH HELL YEAH!@SteveAustinBSR has accepted @FightOwensFight‘s #WrestleMania 38 invitation! pic.twitter.com/7x5t41nDBg

— WWE (@WWE) March 8, 2022

So Owens is 100% eating a Stunner, right?

Oh hell yeah.

Speaking of classic heel stuff, what’s The Miz up to?

That’s where you take it with “classic heel stuff”? Ok then…

Everyone’s favorite “Dancing With The Stars” loser…